I was sitting in the other room when this came on and when I heard Keifer Sutherland’s turgid tones, I decided to stay away. But within ten minutes, I could tell, by the music and the super-caffeinated acting style, that the Wild was some sort of CGI animation made for four-year olds. I was right.

When you’ve watched (or heard) as many bad movies in one 24-hour period as I have, something begins to dawn on you: you realise that you’re living in one of the worst periods for movies made by Hollywood; that you’re cinematic habits revolve around a steady diet of films made in Asia; that leading men all look like deranged retards or public schoolboys; that kid’s films cannot be watched by adults anymore.

With a sigh, I slip a copy of Chinatown into the DVD and press PLAY.
Finally, my eyes, ears and brain are doing something worthwhile.

This movie was made for eight-year olds but everyone in it acts about two years younger.
It’s supposed to be about a trio of losers and retards that win a bunch of baseball games but what it’s really about is poo, wee, farts, noogies, wedgies, potty words and humiliating the very people it claims to defend: nerds, retards, midgets, losers, blimps, wimps and gays. There was one good joke which will give you a flavour of the sort of humour to expect: the kid from Napoleon Dynamite throws a rock at the guy from Deuce Bigelow which goes into the whirling blades of a lawnmower which then shoots out the other side into another bloke’s bollocks.
The rest was predictable rubbish, even for kids..

Adam Sandler must die. If I see another ‘bad dad working too hard and never seeing family’ movie, I’m going to chop off an ear. This is so bad, it had me thinking: how did the cast and crew summon up the will to come into work every day? Who looked at the script and said; ‘I think this will be a great movie?’ They should be sacked.

Michael Douglas plays an ageing Secret Service man caught up in a plot to kill the President whose wife he’s shagging. That’s it. Mike looks like his botox got caught in his razor. The left side of his face is constantly in shadow and his running scenes are done by a stuntman wearing a digital head. Just as well, as running is the only thing that happens in this film. There’s a bit of shooting at the end but who was doing it is still a mystery to me. On the other downsides, Keifer Sutherland seems to be in competition with Owen Wilson for this years’s Most Inaudible Actor award and Eva Longoria is only four inches taller than her action figure.
Crap.

This has to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Its about a group of teenage lads from this town in New England who are all related to witches. They have this cool power which can kill them if they use it so they try not to use it too much. How much fun is that? For the first bit, they just cruise around doing teenage-type things like drinking in bars, dancing, fighting, arguing etc. But then you begin to notice a couple of things: why, for example, are all the blokes ripped; why are they always wearing vests or naked in the showers; why does the camera pan away or fade out every time one of the lads kisses a girl? Yes, it was a gay movie. Apart from that, there was no action or plot just loads of talk about the Power and how it was going to rule at some stage. At the end, another rent boy who looked like Pete Doherty on steroids steps up and gets his butt kicked, just as I was about to do the same to the TV. The Power is, basically, just bubbles of transparent stuff that they fire at each other when not pouting.
After the debacles that were Cutthroat Island, Deep Blue Sea and Cliffhanger, you’d think Rene Harlin would know by now when he’s making a stinker. It just goes to show that the old adage that ‘you’re only as good as your last film’ is inaccurate. In this movie’s case, make that wildly inaccurate.